Jealousy.

Revelation: God is jealous of me and my time.

What a sweet realization.

Here’s the things God has been teaching me this week and how they have all come together on this beautiful Wednesday afternoon with the truth that He is jealous for me.

*Study on Gideon, truth: weak person + God = His plan’s fulfilled

*FB picture, truth: God uses people who fail- cause there aren’t any other kind around.

*Seeking Him study, truth: for my power is made perfect in weakness –1 Corinthians 12:9

*Missionary Call book, quote: Humanly speaking, you should be scared of death, but, then again, you already are dead, aren’t you? Truth: there is no need for faith where there is no consciousness of an element of risk

*Randy Alcorn, truth: I must say no to good things, in order to be available to say yes to what God is calling me to do

weakness. failures. risk. His best.

The beginning of the week I got a call regarding a full time job opportunity. Before I get to far I have to say I’m not looking for work right now. God has been confirming over and over again that my job is to delight in Him (Psalm 37:4) so that He can reveal to me in His timing the desires He has for me. (and anytime I doubt He provides something small to remind me) But I know this is for a season so I don’t want to be irresponsible and immediately say no to something because God has called me to spend time with him.

So when I got the call, I wanted to say yes, in fact every thing I threw at her she had a solution for. And then my head went spinning into all the possibilities (and heart longings) this could fill. I told her I would get back to her by the end of the week after I thought it over and prayed about it.

I think I’ve done a lot more thinking and day-dreaming than I have praying.

Until today.

I connected all the dots with the lessons God has been putting in front of me and a quote came to mind, I looked up the source. It’s the one above by Randy Alcorn… I’ll re-write it because it's that good.

I must say no to good things, in order to be available to say yes to what God is calling me to do.

I couldn’t tell you if this was a test (something that could fill my longing for motherhood and to fit in with the majority of my friends around me) or something good that I have to say no to in order to wait for His best. Whatever the reason for the no, I had this overwhelmingly amazing revelation: my God is jealous for me and my time!

He loves me so much that He wants all this time for me to sit and soak up how special it is to just be with Him. I was honest with him a few hours ago, “God I will take this job and be content with staying here for this time if that’s what you want”…and I meant it. But this is a good thing, I’m sure more good things will come, and  I’m going to trust when the best thing comes along I will know without a shadow of a doubt that that is the yes I’m suppose to make.

My God is a jealous God and oh how loved I feel right now that that jealousy is being lavished over me!

choosing to delight

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. –Psalm 37:4

There are two parts to this verse. There are also two different actions performed by two different people.

The first action is on the part of the believer; delight yourself in the Lord… what a beautiful verb! Delight; enjoy, being enchanted by, find satisfaction, be filled with joy, glee and gladness. That is our job. That is my job. My one purpose in life is to find satisfaction in God. To know Him better, to draw closer to Him, to fall in love with Him.

Over the last several weeks, I’ve been asked the question, “so what is next?” or “where are you going next?” “are you going back to Kenya?” and so on. I hesitate in front of people feeling like I’m suppose to know the answer. But God’s Word has given me the answers:

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. –Proverbs 16:9

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord… -Jeremiah 29:11

…Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. –Psalms 143.8

Do not wear yourself out to get rich; do not trust your own cleverness. –Proverbs 23:4

What’s next? I’m working on knowing Christ. Every step I take, my job is to see how God is revealing Himself in it. It takes such a burden off myself to try to figure it out. And I’m sure everyone would like to know “the where”… but rest assured, I desire it even more! But I’m choosing to delight right now.

Honesty time. I'm having a hard time delighting here. I delighted in God while in Kenya every day. My journal entries day after day always started with, "I didn't know today could get better than yesterday". I lived moment by moment in tune with what God wanted me to do, what He wanted me to say, where He wanted me to go. I was doing what He had created me to do and I couldn't have felt more fulfilled. I know that where I am right now is also where God wants me. But because I'm not actively "doing" all the time like I was there, I often feel the outside pressure that I'm not doing all that I'm suppose to be doing. Every time I question God (usually because doubt has been implanted) He surprises me with something to confirm that I'm doing what He wants me to do; delight in Him right now. 

And as I delight… the Lord promises that He will give [me] the desires of [my] heart. In the original Hebrew text, the verb “give” can also be translated, “to put”, “set”, “put upon”, “appoint”, “assign”, “designate”.

Get this...

He will [put] the desires…

He will [set] the desires…

He will [appoint} the desires…

He will [assign] the desires…

God does this action. I am not meant to take on this task. *relief* As I do my job (delighting in Him), He does His job (assigning me desires that I can live out). There is no timeline that God promises that He will reveal and when He will assign. But as I delight in Him, I’m fully waiting with expectation to see Him implant within me the desires that He has for me.

When God reveals the desire for the “where” I will surely share it with my awesome team that continues to support, love, and walk this journey with me. But let us let God work in His timing willingly. He is already preparing the hearts of those I will get to share His love with and the team I will work with. He is working and I hope you are just as excited as I am to see His plan unfold.

Let us delight. Let us let God give us desires in our hearts that we may go and make disciples of all the nations baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that He has commanded us. He is with us, even to the ends of the age. Amen.

(Psalm 37:4 & Matthew 29:19-20)

Answer to prayer: hearts united

We got the picture! Is this machine not the most beautiful thing? I did try it... not as easy as an electric.

But, brothers and sisters, when we were orphaned by being separated from you for a short time (in person, not in thought), out of our intense longing we made every effort to see you. For we wanted to come to you—certainly I, Paul, did, again and again—but Satan blocked our way. For what is our hope, our joy, or the crown in which we will glory in the presence of our Lord Jesus when he comes? Is it not you? Indeed, you are our glory and joy. -1 Thess 2:17-20

Over the last two months as I sat in Nairobi waiting for the go-ahead to return to the coast, 1 Thessalonians 2:17-20 became my heart’s cry and my soul’s yearning. On October 7th, I left where I call home here in Kenya and really wasn’t sure when I would get to return. The goodbyes seemed beyond what I could imagine and I didn’t feel finished. I’m grateful for all the counseling, prayers offered on my behalf, shoulders to cry on and good food to pass the time. I’ve learned so much in the last couple months that I pray I can remember as I transition into what’s next.

But I can’t begin to put into words how excited I was when I got the email on November 21st and realized God had answered my prayer of 1 Thessalonians. As the days went by I began to prepare emotionally, spiritually and physically for my return. Three days in the village was all we could manage with people’s busy schedules but I was willing to take anything I could get.

On Thursday Dec 11th I boarded the bus and like so many times before was overjoyed to be headed “home”. The buses have sure improved over the last year and it was the most comfortable trip I’ve had. I have to admit I wasn’t about to take one bit of it for granted so maybe my attitude helped a bit. I arrived around 6:30am the next day so ready to see everyone. I was not about to waste one minute of daylight lying in bed when I could be out seeing people.

Friday and Saturday, after breakfast with my family, were spent out in the community spending time with different families, catching up with people, getting to hear how God had been working in their hearts over the last two months and encouraging them. Friday, God put together a time of remembrance for Mama Clemens and we got to go back to her house, praise God for her life and put the final piece, a cross, on the top of her tombstone. Just another way God showed me His perfect timing in my return.

My most memorable moment
Sunday was church. Rewind a bit, when I first came to Kenya with the expectation of learning Kiswahili, I set a personal goal to be able to greet the church and share a few words all by myself at the end. Because this wasn’t “the end” exactly, and I fully look forward to my return in April (I’ll leave that for another blog post), I was prepared to speak to the church but with a translator. I had a beautiful little message in English and expected someone to translate for me. I asked Elizabeth, I got the look like I was crazy with a very determined no. I went up and asked Pastor if he would “help me”. He smiled and said, “You know Swahili you can do it”….I can try… and so I did. I did scratch a lot of what I was going to say but I was amazed (thank you Holy Spirit!) for how well the words just flowed. I said everything I wanted to, I read from my Kiswahili Bible and really wasn’t nervous at all. I enjoyed it actually and looking back this was most definitely my most memorable moment of the trip.

After church we took lots of pictures (see below), I got to join choir for their practice and learned a few Christmas songs and dances and laughed a lot! I went to Elizabeth and Selina’s afterwards to get some good pictures with them and their family, we prayed together and then said the extremely hard, tears falling, heart wrenching see you laters at the gate of the primary school.

The hardest part of the entire trip was the following day, boarding the bus for the 10hr drive back to Nairobi. As soon as the bus pulled out of Malindi the tears fell. By the time we reached “my stop” I was shaking I was crying so hard. I texted Elizabeth to let her know we were passing and I really was not okay. Her response, “my heart is crying”.

I’ve put off writing this because of just how painful it all was. But really, looking back, I don’t think I could have asked for anything more in those three days than what God gave me. I do thank God over and over for the reconciling that happened and now wait with eager expectation for April, getting to return to celebrate a wedding! I got the closure that I needed that I can now enter the New Year ready for what the Lord has next. I’m thankful He allowed these last few months to be focused on healing and I really can’t wait to see what He has next. The ministry at the coast was beyond anything I could have asked for or dreamed of. And therefore I know that whatever is next is going to be even better if that’s even possible…

Our awesome church choir! Love this group!

Selina and Elizabeth. Man if I could get one more squeeze in!

Thankful for my Kenyan parents. Loved getting to spend the weekend with two of their girls and two of their grandsons.

Shadrack and his beautiful new wife. So fun to get to see them there! 

Beautiful twin girls!

Madam Kazungu, Mama Pili and her youngest, Hilda

Onesimus, he loves to make me speak giriama

Sweet Mariam, loved how she attached over the weekend :)

Almost got the whole family! There are 7 sisters in all and one brother, wrangling all of them was a task :) 

Loved getting to unite with this beautiful girl! She has the most amazing voice and I enjoyed getting to worship with her again!

These two guys have been such an encouragement to me while I've been here in Kenya. Thanks Silas and Samuel!

Me with my Kenyan brothers... Peter, Shadrack and Samuel

More group pictures with Selina, Elizabeth and all the kiddos at their house

Me and the kids!

I'm big Kadzo, Selina's Kadzo and then baby Kadzo :) 

Mercy! I love this girl! She's grown up so much in the last two months. I loved teaching her and I think she equally loved being in my class. She told her mom (also a teacher) who would teach her when I left?

Asha.. one of my students

Bahati

Jumwa, aka Joyce... Selina's oldest

So thankful I had Monday in Malindi to connect with this awesome girl! She starts form 4 (senior year of high school) in January and we as a team will help contribute so that she can finish  this year strong and hopefully continue into computer work. 

Thank you Jesus for allowing this sweet reunion to happen. What a privilege it was to get to know each one of these beautiful people you created, that you have drawn to yourself. I pray I was able to be an encouragement to them as you continue to equip them to spread your good news! I can't wait to see how you will use them in my life as we continue this adventure together. I also pray for all the little people that I got to love and teach. May they desire to shine your light through their lives and make decisions to follow you wherever you will take them. Thank you for the smiles, laughter, and songs we got to share together in school. I pray those simple English songs about you will forever be in their hearts. And I can't wait for April! May you continue to work on my heart during this time of ministry transition here in Kenya. I love you Jesus. 

It's in your precious name I pray, Amen

I will show you

The LORD had said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you . . . and you will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you.” 

- Genesis 12:1-3

God made this promise to Abram. I will show you. God called Abram to go and then said He would show him where. And then there was another promise. I will bless you…and you will be a blessing to others.

I read this from my Christmas Advent devotion by Ann Voskamp and was overwhelmed with the reminder of how God answers our simple prayers. I haven’t prayed a lot lately, especially for myself. It’s mostly been something along the lines of, “God can you just show me where to go.” And He always only leads one step at a time.

The last month I’ve finally had enough strength (so I thought) to start talking with leadership here in Kenya about long-term ministries. We’ve tried to walk thru many doors only to find them close in our faces before we even took a step.  Many closed doors on an already tender heart. I wasn’t sure I could take much more. I started journaling, trying to see what God was doing. And I realized, as I searched out all these new places with new people, I felt like I was abandoning my village family from the coast. I don’t feel finished there, I need that closure.

So the next step. I get to return to the village. I get to return to my home here in Kenya. I get to return to the people that stole my heart. I get to return to my Kenyan family who has blessed me beyond words. I will show you. And He has answered. And I have peace. I travel Thursday night Dec 11th and return Monday night Dec 15th. 

I will bless you…and you will be a blessing to others. That is my prayer as I return. That God would bless this small amount of time together. That God would bless each conversation, each meal that is shared, and each hug that is exchanged. I pray that it would be a great time of blessing one another.

So that is the next step. I’m so incredible grateful that I know something. Once I return to Nairobi I will get to celebrate the birth of our Savior with some great people and then start the New Year looking for that next place where our Great God has already ordained for us to go and continue to share the Good News of His birth and death and resurrection. I think good things are ahead.

Let the blessing begin.

I haven't gotten to see this couple since this day! The groom lived at the church as the associate Pastor my entire time in the village. He was on his honeymoon when I left but has since returned. Can't wait to see them! This is the group that I traveled with to his wedding, a full night traveling Kenyan style with all Kenyans! Love love love these people!

Peter... my Kenyan big brother. I hope we can cook a few meals together and laugh like we did every night. We refused to say bye, we said see you later. And I'm sure we will say it again this time too. And little Mercy. Her and I shared tears together the night before I left, her head rested on my shoulder just outside my house. Once I calmed down she nodded in agreement when I asked her if we could eat together. She's also the one who asked her mom who would teach her when I left, her mom being the teacher who had taught her almost the whole year. 

My giriama sister big Kache won't be there...sad face...by our two twins will be. Can't wait to see these kiddos and their siblings. 

I think this summarizes my heart for the village and the people there. Life is all about people and this young lady I can't wait to hug again!

And I can't wait to take this same picture again but with me in it! Selina and I will definitely do something laughing together. I've loved our phone dates every other night getting to catch up on what's going on there. It will be like I haven't even left thanks to this one!

And of course getting to share meals and live alongside my Kenyan parents for a few days again. Can't wait to see these faces and hopefully get the opportunity to give a lot of blessings to one another.