heart reflection part 4 - one year later

heart reflection part 3 which includes the links for 1 & 2 as well.

Last week I was encouraged by another book I was reading to read Zephaniah. I have to admit when I sit down to do my devotions I don't always choose an Old Testament book. I feel like I can relate a lot better and somehow think Jesus will speak clearer through the New Testament books. We are on this side of the cross anyway. But Jesus spoke loud and clear through Zephaniah and I've still been mediating over these scriptures and thoughts God gave me ever since.

Be silent before the Sovereign Lord, for the day of the Lord is near. The Lord has prepared a sacrifice; he has consecrated those he has invited. -Zephaniah 1:7

*God spoke when I went to my room, closed the door and was silent. No music, no people, nothing. Just my Sovereign Lord, I and silence.
*has prepared and has consecrated...past tense. Even though this was written before Jesus even entered into a human body the preparations and consecrating was already done. He is prepared in heaven for us and we are consecrated already!

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. -Zephaniah 3:17

*My God takes delight in me, a sinful human who deserves constant reprimand and discipline. Delight, he enjoys me, he is happy when we are together. Our great God delights in me!
*1:7 said be silent, 3:17 says he will quiet you. God is the one doing the action now. Once I find the quiet location God does the quieting of my heart, soul and mind.
*I imagine a little baby wrapped in a blanket in the arms of his dad or a young child snuggled in dad's lap while he sings over him. But this is so much greater, that our Lord would rejoice over us.

So with these awesome thoughts in my heart, the room was silent, my heart, soul and mind were in the presence of Jesus ready to lay everything at His feet. So I started asking questions...

- How are us?
- How is my heart?
- What plans do you have?
- What is your purpose for today? for the rest of my time in the village? for this life?

And then God spoke, that small still voice that said It's not about what you can do for me it's about our relationship.

Wait. If you are reminding it's about our relationship, then obvious we are not okay because that is not what I'm focusing on. And then another thought. I have been stressing to my Kenyan friends the difference between religion and relationship and how when events happen in our life we see whether we have a religion (that will fail us) or a relationship (that will sustain us). And now my relationship is not okay? That's like trying to give marriage advice and your not married or your marriage is falling apart. It just doesn't work.

He continues...the outflow of our relationship is service. Going back (to the village) and finding more to-do's is not my purpose for you, go back and find more time alone with me.

ouch! About 6 weeks ago when my attitude changed, my energy level drastically fell and my heart consistently was not okay. I described my daily amount of giving first as a jug. A jug full of water is filled during the morning when I would open my Bible and read.  Maybe even a few songs would be sung, the daily devotion would be read and a great bible study would take place with Ellie all before 8am. Those were good days.


But soon I realized that I wasn't filling up to a jug-size portion anymore. I listened to music, read the devotion but my Bible sat there on the corner of the table. I was now only glass.

Soon music faded and I was lucky to get something from Ellie, pray together and maybe catch the devotion before darting out the door because I was late for school, didn't matter that I was late for my time with Jesus. ouch! Now I was a cup.








The few days before I left for Nairobi for some time away, I shamefully admitted I'm only a tablespoon. I might have opened my bible, I might have listened to a song, I might have even prayed but my heart was so far that nothing was penetrating and therefore I had absolutely nothing to give. I was tired, worn out and had a horribly bad attitude.

Definitely need a lot more than a tablespoon when trying to survive in general, let alone in a culture and life that is not what you grew up in.

One year. one whole year has passed and I've lived the entire thing in another culture. and then take that one culture and split it between two places. Nairobi and the village are very different! It's definitely been a challenging year and has stretched me a lot, and it's been a challenging last month to say the least and yet here I sit and God is still speaking. Even though my relationship with Him has suffered, he still desires me, stills my heart, soul and mind and rejoices over me with singing as long as I find a quiet place to be with him to feel it. 

Easier said than done in the village but it is possible. Actually the first 8-9 months I would say I succeeded with finding a quiet space. I'm not sure exactly what happened. Maybe I became too comfortable? Maybe I thought I had figured it all out and could do it in my own strength? Maybe it was a slow fade and I didn't realize what was happening? Whatever it was it happened. Now the cool part... God continued to speak...

imagine a waterfall. the top of the waterfall (just like the jug, glass, cup and tablespoon) must be filled in order to spill over. In order for your waterfall to be full enough at the top of the mountain to overflow you must find a quiet place where we (God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit) can meet  with you, where you can mediate on the sacrifice, you will feel delighted over, you will be filled up with love and we can rejoice over you with singing.

once that portion is full it can begin to spill over. the water now represents the fruit of the spirit that come out of that quiet place and time. love. joy. peace. patience. kindness. goodness. self-control. these fruits don't flow out of someone who tries on their own and to survive in another culture you have to have all of them! Missionary's job is to give away these fruits right so that unbelievers see Jesus?

once there is enough spill over the land below becomes satisfied and the water now represents everything new. new life. new time. new service. new heart. new peace. new purpose. everything is made new, the ground becomes a place where trees, plants, and flowers can grow and blossom. Life in animals can survive. 

I am not an artist, but this is the image I had in my head and the best I could do to get it on paper. The words you can barely read are the ones in bold above. 

My relationship with Jesus has potential to be a beautiful waterfall with enough water that flowers could grow and fish could make their home in the lake below. If I represent this waterfall, then others could see their reflection in the water and see cleansing because Jesus can make them new from the presence of Himself (the whole reason I'm here, for people to meet Jesus!). Children could swim and laugh together. Adults could enjoy the serenity of the sounds and sights that take place. My soul, my heart and my mind has potential to be this beautiful destination.

With this beautiful picture and a few days to rest, reflect and recover I'm excited to go back as an overflowing waterfall. And if the only thing I have to do is find a quiet place and God will do the rest of the work, I think this next year will be even more fruitful and fun in my small village that I get to call home here in Kenya. My purpose, life, and service all flow out of my relationship with Jesus instead of trying to do so in my own strength and might. May God get all the glory for not just sustaining but even helping me to succeed in what He has for us together.