My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in your weakness.
-1 Corinthians 12:9
With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
-Matthew 19.26
48 days. I'm not even completely sure what to do with myself. Can I tell you it has hit me, because it has, like a freight train going 100 miles an hour and crash! There are a million emotions going through my head, feelings I'm not sure what to do with, frustrations I don't have the energy to face, and time that is going way too fast.
Yesterday evening I got the chance to Skype with a dear friend who I miss so very much and when we said goodbye I realized that's how conversations are going to happen with those around me now. As I was talking to her I felt like I was at the surface, head above water, taking in all the air I could possible get. It was so refreshing to share my burdens and get biblical guidance and encouragement on how to face each moment. The verse she quoted to me was 1 Corinthians 12:9, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in your weakness. I don't think I can feel much weaker. Over the past week or so my prayer to God has been an outcry for his strength, because I feel like mine is failing. She said that verse and I felt hope.
When I think about these next 7 weeks, I get quickly overwhelmed. In my head is this visual calendar, I can see the 7 rows of 7 days. I can see the start time and end time of each event that is coming up, it's almost color coated in there, and very full! As I was sharing with her everything that has been going on, she told me to read John 14-16. I have wrote down a few of the verses that stood out to me as I went through the reading. The detachment, sadness & overload isn't gone. It's such a weird feeling sometimes there are no words, but then I read Scripture and truth combats all the lies that have been growing like weeds in my heart and mind.
lie: this feeling of sadness is never going to go away.
truth:
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me.
- John 14:1
lie: I'm on my own to get through this.
truth:
You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
-John 14:14
lie: Jesus has left me.
truth:
Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.
-John 14:23
lie: I'm never going to feel the closeness to God again.
truth:
But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.
-John 14:26
lie: fear will overtake you and control you.
truth:
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27c
lie: I may have made a mistake, I'm not cut out for this, I choose this, what am I doing?
truth:
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit - fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
John 15:16
lie: this hurt and sadness will remain forever.
truth:
You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.
-John 16:20b
lie: it's not okay to grieve, that means your weak and you're not trusting God.
truth:
Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice and no one will take away your joy.
-John 16:22
lie: this world is your home.
truth:
In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world.
-John 16:33
As I try to step back and listen to my thoughts and try to understand the emotions, I can't help but want to analyze. I think I've discovered that I don't grieve very well. Lately my words have been few, my smiles have been harder to make, and I would much rather sit in a room by myself than be around others. And yet I'm yearning for time with them. It's so weird. Family & friends: know that I really do appreciate each and everyone of you, I'm going to miss you very much, but I cannot wait to be there! Thank you for your prayers, for caring for me even when I'm hard to deal with, and for reminding me of His truths when I've tried everything else on my own.
Sleep is calling my name, but I'm laying my head down on my pillow asking the Lord to remind me of His truths, why I'm going through this, and the Kingdom that is going to be furthered because of the calling. Yes, it's hard, but He has overcome the world!
