Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Vision

"Vision is a clear mental image of a probable future imparted by God to His servants and is based upon accurate understanding of God, self, and circumstances."

Five Steps to a Vision
1. Dissatisfaction
2. Desire
3. Determination
4. Dependence
5. Detail

Question: Lord, What do you want me to do?

What Vision looks like
1. Vision must be deep enough to be rooted in history.
2. Vision must be defined enough to reproduce itself in a picture.
3. Vision must be durable enough to resist discouragement.
4. Vision must be demanding enough to require sacrifice.
5. Vision must be dynamic enough to recruit.
-Dr. David Jeremiah, Jan 30th, 2011


I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm curious. I am so incredible torn by what you have for me. I have absolutely no idea what your telling me. Well I kinda do, you were pretty clear in your message today that with each passing word that was spoken at the pulpit I wanted to get up and leave. The ache, the pressure is enormous. The weight is unbearable. I know you want me to go and that breaks my heart. I want to go, I want to serve you, but I have children here. Tears overflow in my eyes as I think of my little three year olds running up to me this morning giving me the best welcome ever. How in the world am I suppose to leave that? Really God?

But then you've given me this vision, this very very clear picture of what I am to do. I have no idea the steps I'm suppose to take, where I'm going, or what I will do. But there is some comfort in knowing you do. I believe I am in the first step. I have received the vision and I am completely dissatisfied. Everything I could every want materially or physically is here, but when I see those things, you are no where to be seen. I must leave those things, seek you out, reach for the impossible to find You. In this time of prayer, Father I pray for your strength against the devil. Your power is higher, Your words are sweeter, and I must listen to your voice in this time.

Whatever you have for me, I want to do it. I know it's going to be scary, I know it's not going to be easy, but you promise you will be right there with me.

Blessed is the one who trusts you, like a tree that cannot be moved. You say jump to arms wide open, I am scared but I am willing. For blessed is the one, blessed is the one who trusts you, faithful trust in you. Champion of my heart, lead me to where you are.
I remember all your goodness. Suffering through the desert places. You never said it would be easy. You just promised you'd be with me.
I will trust you in the pain, when I can't see past today, when its hard to lift my hands to praise you, I will trust you. -Daniel Doss Band

Father that is my prayer, that  you are standing there asking me to jump to arms wide open and that I would take that leap of faith into your arms. You said it would not be easy but promise that you will be with me. You've given me a vision, a very clear one, to leave the comfort of here, the day to day life I lead, and you will not let me be comfortable in it. I know I am to go, where, I'm still not sure, but you do. I will follow you wherever you want me to go. Be with me Jesus in this time of struggle, as I seek out exactly what you want for me. Reveal your passion, plan and purpose for my life.

I ask these things in Your name,

Friday, January 28, 2011

Beauty in the Still

"Look inside your life, if God isn't there then you have the wrong life. When you find the life with God in it, it doesn't matter what it looks like, it's the right now." -Unknown

Upon my checklist of things that I had to accomplish today, no where was God in it. That saddens me. As a friend sent me this quote during the day today, I really started to think about it, is God really everything in my life, is He the most important thing to me, or do I just turn to Him when I need an answer, when I want something, like a spoiled little brat? Unfortunately I'm seeing myself as a spoiled brat, impatient, needy, and throwing a fit when I am not getting my way. If you haven't noticed this post comes a couple days after my last one, because I said, well the next thing that I have now is an answer. I've posted that I'm waiting, how long is that waiting going to take, it can't take that long!

So I admit I'm a little frusturated. I love to know what is to come, I am a definite planner. I sent the email two days ago and checking my phone constantly for a reply. What if it went to her junk folder and it's just sitting there, my hope and dream sits in a junk folder, how can that be? But I had a little conversation with a close friend and mentor who told me a couple different stories about God working out outcomes without the person lifting a single bit of energy. When God wanted that person to do something or fulfill a roll, He did all the work. I guess I want to make sure I'm doing all God wants me to do without going ahead. I must leave it up to God, constantly give it back to Him and tell Him this is not in my control even though I'm hogging it. I will release it back to You and let you work in this life you have given me, for it is your's anyway.

My life, this life, is God in it? My prayer this evening is for a refocus back on the one thing that means the most to me. To have these next few hours of dependency on Him as we conquer the last and final paper of my college career. I know I can only do it with His help because I tried 3 hours ago and fell asleep. :) I must trust Him with the little things AND the big things!

Father God,

How sweet your words are to me, reminding me to set my eyes upon you, to fix my eyes on you as the little children's song goes, fixin my eyes on you, only you. "For I won't turn left and I won't turn right, I will not stray from the path that's right, for I'll keep on seeking, and keep on reaching, follow, follow, follow Jesus Christ. I'm fixin' my eyes on you, I'm fixin' my eyes on you, I'm fixin' my eyes on you, only You!" You see it takes a song written for a little child to get my attention, is that not God? You have me around children all the time because I am a little child. We are all children of God, and as You spoke to the Israelites again and again, You must continue to remind us to seek You out, reach for You before we move.

I need those little reminders of you to keep me on the right path. To not get too far ahead, and to remember that this life is not mine. I must turn to you as my Father for directions at all times, for when I lose you, I fell like a child lost in the grocery store. Strangers surround me, I ask them for help, and they can't, for only my Father knows what is best for me. I need you always with me and that is a promise you have made. I must recongize the presence, seek your advice, and not be a spoiled brat. Show me your presence and let me sit in the beauty of the still. Right where you have me, sitting, I'm fidgeting, your relaxed, telling me You have everything under control. With your calm voice, I relaxed, I melt into your arms and sit. Your presence overwhelms me once again as I realize I am right at home where I belong even though the world rushes past me. I'm imagining sitting on Jesus' lap on the beach, the families and runners racing by, and we just sit and mask in the beauty of the still. The ocean with its repeating breaking waves, the birds coming and going, the sun making its way towards the ocean floor, the moon rising behind us, the cars racing, the people chatting, but we sit there, almost as if we are invisible, and look around, feeling calm.

That calmness has hit me. You have completely relaxed me, given me the joy that you are with me, we are sitting on the beach, and you are going to help me accomplish what is before us. Thank you Father for the visual. And thank you for speaking to my heart and for the Holy Spirit who dwells inside that brings that peace and joy to my spirit. May I mask in the Beauty in the Still.

Father I pray these things in your Son Jesus Christ's name,

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

James 1:27

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." - James 1:27

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Faith is Living

Faith is Living by John Waller

I wish I could see just three steps in front of me, but the anthem to my feet only moves when I take a step, and believe your Word to me, won't you have a history, that proves that your worthy of my faith.

Its the evidence of things i cannot see, and faith, its the confidence that you are holding me, stepping out, breaking through all my doubts and all I thought i knew, cause you never lived until by faith, you've never lived until you lived by faith.

I want to be a man like Abraham, he went to the fallen land cause you said go and trusted you by faith, oh the tiny mustard seed, to mountains we can speak, believe in moving by faith.

You are who you say you are and you will do what you have promised to and I believe, that's faith.

What does it truely mean to live by faith? Those outside the faith think you are completely nuts or that it's just coincidence or karma that something happened. But those who understand and believe in the alive and active hand of God see that everything that happens, each thought, action and word comes from God. With a true dependency, strength-based, actively seeking relationship with God will you find that your life looks more and more like His. And that's with that connection with God will you truely see who He is, will you hear what He has to say and act according to His will. That's faith.

The first verse of that song declares the history that God has given us that proves His faithfulness. Let me take a few minutes and recap God's obvious workings in my life so that not only are you familiar but I am reminded. In Jan of 2007 I accepted Christ in the house of a dear friend of mine who spent many nights doing bible studies with me, taking me to church any chance we could and praying for me. In 2009, life seemed to be going great, I had a job, a boyfriend, and a great church to serve out but I was not seeking God in my day to day. In August He took away the boyfriend and job without much notice nor explanation. I was broken and didn't know what to do. So I chose to cling to the only thing that seemed to not move, the one thing that I couldn't lose and that was God. My bank account dwindled til near dollars was left and I wasn't sure how I was going to make it another month. However my closeness to God grew, in every moment God was with me because if He wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to survive. In December, after weeks of volunteering I was blessed with a job opporunity, just enough to sustain the finances while still clinging to God. Once I proved that my increase in finances would not hinder my relationship with my best friend, He blessed me with another job in Febuary to account for money that could not be used to restart my savings. God is so good! I am so blessed to have a job at a church, where I get to serve children and families all year long. It is a true privledge to serve His kingdom in this way.

That history proves His faithfulness to me in this time of dependency. I am in that time period of waiting. I have absolutely no idea what God has planned for me in the coming days, months or years. He has given me a small glimpse of the desire to serve Him on the missionary field and it is still up to Him to make that happen. However, with the use of history, I look back at the months of August, September and October of 2009 and never once recall knowing that God would give me a job at a church. That seemed so out of reach, not even on the radar that I couldn't even imagine at that time that I would. So as I use that as a foundation, I'm reminded once again of the spontanious time frame that God uses to implement His plan. I now must stop, and wait for Him to work. And while I wait, I will continue to serve and worship You for who you are!


Thank you for the reminded of the history that you have given me to prove your faithfulness in my life. I am encouraged by the reminder of who you are and how you work things out in such a perfect way. You know my future, you know the ups and downs I will face and I just pray you be with me. I pray I seek you with all that I am, giving myself over to you each and every day so that you are able to use me for your purposes . What a joy it is to serve you, to worship you, to know you.

Jesus I now must wait for you to move. I must be at peace, I must move ahead bold and confident, taking each and every step in confidence with the faith that you have instilled inside me. For your Holy Spirit who dwells inside my soul guides me life, calms me in stormy weather, and protects me from the enemy. May the Holy Spirit take residence also in my heart and mind so that purity runs thru my veins. May who you are shine from my earthly body so when people look at me they see you. For You are the one that shall receive the glory and honor in all things.

Jesus I love you. I love you dearly and thank you for this time of dependency, of having to rely completely on who you are and the promises that you have given me.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

In Jesus name I pray these,

Monday, January 24, 2011

"What was intended to end his life, God used to save it"

I read tonight out of the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I have to say, this book gets your attention. The first chapter is titled, "stop praying", others include, "profile of the lukewarm" (this one was harsh), "serving leftovers to a Holy God" and the chapter I read tonight, "who really lives that way?". The chapter entailed about 6 stories of average people who took a step of faith and trusted God through some adventure, some goal, or their full lives. I''m going to summarize a story that literally gave me goosebumps.

Her name is Jamie Lang and she was 23 years old when she decided to take the $2,000 in her savings account and go to Tanzania (kinda my idea for going to Romania ;) ). She went and after 6 months of being there met an 8 year old girl who was carrying a baby on her back. She approached her and found out that her mother was dying of AIDS and too weak to care for the baby. Jamie then spent her money providing formula for the baby. Skip ahead a bit, the mother, just before she died came to Jamie after hearing what she had done and said "I have never known such a love. I want to be saved." everything in this story so far is great, but it gets better! International adoption was closed from the US, but (God's working) since she had been living there for 6 months she was able to establish residency. Five months later the visa went through with American and she was the proud mother of baby Junio. (As I read this next part, I got goosebumps!)

"Junio is now five years old, totally healthy, and HIV negative. When Junio's mom was pregnant with him, she took a "morning-after pill" late in her pregnancy in order to abort him. But instead it induced premature labor, and because Junio was so small, no bleeding occurred during his breath. Thus, he did contract HIV from his mother. What was intended to end his life, God used to save it." Chan, p. 153

What was intended to end his life, God used to save it. That's amazing! I wonder how many things happen in our day to day that could have ended our life, could have caused us enourmous pain, both emotional or physically, and instead God spared us. We never thank God for these instances because we don't know them. So I would like to take a few minutes and just praise the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, who watches over each and every one of us, and thank Him for sparing us those instances.

Dear Jesus,

You are amazing. You are the God of wonders beyond our majesty, You are Holy, Holy. The universe declares your Majesty, You are Holy, Holy. Lord of heaven and earth... I sing praises unto the God Almighty, the one who knew me before I was born, yet knows my whole life in the now, can see it from afar, and yet is right here with me, acknowledging my weaknesses and necessity for You! Words are not enough for you Jesus to exclaim Your power and might! Father I delight in You! I delight in the day you return to Earth, to see your face, for I will bow my heart because I am free! I give you glory God because you are the Father of glory. We are delievered by blood, because you sacrificed your Son for us. Glory, honor and praise to You Father! I love you for You, the greatest of greatest. Be tho near to me as I seek to draw closer to You in everything I do and every breath You give.

For I praise you in the name of your Son Jesus,

What Faith can do

That's what Faith can do by Kutless

It doesn't matter what you've heard, impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try, everybodys scared to death, when they decide to take that step, out on the water, but it will be all right. Life is so much more, than what your eyes are seeing. You will find your way, if you keep believing. Ive seen dreams that move the mountains. hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling, I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, that's what Faith can do.

When I began this journey a little over a week ago, God told me to speak only to Him about this for a week. Day 7 has passed and God has spoken to me so many times over the past week that I couldn't get it all down, but I tried my best. From here, I must be careful who I tell and how I tell them. I know opposition is to come, the devil is totally against the plans God has for me to serve His kingdom and I must stand firm in the Word and depend on God alone. I'm excited to share, I'm excited to see God work in this, but I must try to not walk ahead. For I am known to be walking with God, hand in hand along the beach, and next thing I know I have let go and I'm five steps in front.(And God is not a worried parent, He will wait for my awareness of his loss of presence and return to Him) My prayer, to stay step by step in line with Jesus.

I just sent a facebook message to Ann and Cary, the missionary couple that was in Romania when I was there in Oct of 2010. I have learned that without references and contacts, a random application means nothing. I asked them if they were in Romania and knew if ROCK ministries was looking for an extra person to help this fall. :)


I turn right to you. As I wrote the email, I felt your hand guiding my words. You laid it upon my heart to contact them to take the next step. I lift it up to you Father, this is totally your plan and I am just your hands and feet. I desperately want your plan for my life and nothing else. I pray your hands be in every step of this process and Holy Spirit continue to speak to me. Allow me to see little glimpses of the plans You have for me so that I may continue to walk along side. Jesus don't let me get ahead, hold my hand and keep me right at your side.

This life is way more than I can see with my blind eyes. You have children who must know who you are and you have placed it upon the hearts of few to go to those countries and share the Good News with those you love and seek after. Father may my heart not look at the impossible, but instead step out in faith, step into the fast moving river with faith that you will stop it in preparation for me to cross. Faith can do anything, and I put my faith in the God of heaven and earth. The God of this world and the God of my life. The God of the lost and those that have been found. May I sit in your presence, seeking your will at all times, and through prayer seek the next step.

I love you dear Jesus. You are my Father and best friend. How sweet your words are to me!

I lift these prayers up to you Jesus,

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Day 7- God, are you sure you want me??

Where you go I'll go, where you stay I'll stay, when you move I'll move, I will follow you. When you love I'll love, how you serve I'll serve, with this life I lose, I will follow you. I will follow you. -Chris Tomlin

If I let these dreams die, if I lay down all my wounded pride, if I let these dreams die, will I find, letting go, that's me, come alive. So empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you. Empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you. With you. Cause my mind is like a building burning down, I need your grace to keep, to keep me from the ground. My heart is just a prisoner of war, slaved to what he wants, for what I'm fighting for. -Tenth Avenue North

As I saw the missionaries file into service tonight, I thought to myself, could I really do it? God are you sure this is what you called me for? You know this past week I have not questioned the idea of going. I was a little sad over missing family and friends and the comforts of home, but I wasn't scared about going... until tonight. And I'm still not scared, but I guess since I said I was going to give it 7 nights of prayer and see where I am, it's kinda this weird feeling. For the past seven nights, I have come to write feeling as if going to Romania this fall was exactly what God wants. I'm not sure if the reality of it has sunk in, the idea that in the next few days I'm going to have to say publically to my boss, and pastor, and family and friends that this is where my heart is. To become a part time missionary, to be gone as long as God calls me to be gone. To buy a one way ticket and not know exactly when I'm coming home. That's crazy!

I'm crazy! I'm a fool for Christ and I'm not going to doubt that if He has called me to the missionary field I am to go. But I just gotta put on the record that God has a lot of details to work out! I'm a big picture kinda person and I count that as a blessing, leaving the little details to God to handle. You know the timing, the finances to go and come back, the patience, the blessings, all in His hands. So I guess where I leave myself know is to continue to pray and I will continue to journal my thoughts on here so that I have a continued record of this process. But my priority will not switch a bit. One thing I haven't heard is no. God has seem to make every situation, conversation, and action I take remind me somehow of my desire to become a missionary. So now I take the leap of faith and work on my application. Over the next few days I will be putting together I'll the details I need to on paper to explain God's "plan" for me to return. I must tell me boss, and I also must collect a letter of rec from my Pastor. Those two things can't be hard right??? God never said things would be easy, He just promised to be with me and I'm going to hold Him at his word.

Dear Jesus,

I come before you in awe of who you are! The God who cares about the poor, widowed, and children. I live to serve children, wherever you send me. As I lifted my hands in praise to you tonight, my eyes and heart looked to you for guidance. I was open, I am open, for all that you have for me. Once again here I am, use me for your purposes whatever that may look like. It is such an honor to get to serve you each and every day and I pray that you continue to find ways to use my gifting that you have given me to bring glory back to You. Father may you just work out all the small details, let the conversations be smooth and may you speak through them.

In the craziness of what tomorrow could be, I just pray your hand be on every single move I make. May my actions and words be pleasing to you. May your will take precidence in my life so that I am one with You. May you work through me tomorrow to accomplish good for your Kingdom. May people be shown your light, my children come to know you, and may they see that you have given us the Word to guide our lives in every direction. For we come to you empty handed and you fill us up so we are overflowing. No where else can we go to receive the abundance of love and strength than to your presence. Oh how I love you.

In your name I pray,

Friday, January 21, 2011

Day 6- Honesty

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. -Matthew 7:7-8

Honesty, truth, facts, integrity, trust. Honesty has a way about itself in this world where people try to say just enough where they are not telling a lie but they are not telling the truth either. However God calls us to be 100% honest.

Here are some interesting thoughts for you, stop and read them again, and again if you have to. Our world is quite messed up!
- We want our bosses to like us, so we flatter. We call it polishing the apple. God calls it a lie.
- We want people to admire us, so we exaggerate. We call it stretching the truth. God calls it a lie.
- We want people to respect us, so we live in house we can't afford and charge bills we can't pay. We call it the American way. God calls it a lie.                  -Lucado

But God calls us to be honest in our dealings, in our conversations, in our entire lives. Did I lie today? probably, on purpose no but a slight exaggeration didn't seem to hurt. I don't know about you but those statements really get to my heart.

So the question arised today in my thoughts, why am I not 100% honest with God. It's kinda funny, He knows everything, but its because if I admit something then there might be action on my part or feelings I'm masking. I decided to be very upfront with God tonight, why this decision I'm not sure but I'm glad I made it. God I want to go to Romania, I want to leave my life of contentment and stuff and go. However, putting that in words is scary, saying it outloud to God in the car was one thing, then I had the nerve to go type it! What in the world am I thinking? But God calls us to be honest and so there you go! No polishing, no stretching the truth, no American way, I want to live God's way, God's plan, God's purpose. So its out, at least here for now, I'm excited. I'm not scared. I know that if this is not what God wants He will make a  move that will stop the process in a second. If this is the right path to take, He will make that abundantly clear.

Oh Father!

You know the depths and desires of my heart where no one else can go, past what words could even describe. You also combine those desires with the perfect plan you have for my life and you get the most amazing combination ever. I am so excited to see what you do with this. For now I continue to surrender the control. I also surrender the thoughts, the planning that I am already doing, the sadness that brushes over me as I realize I may not see my adorable little one's I love oh so much, I may not work in the comfort of a church where we have freedom to worship You, I may not get the chance to just go see my family whenever I want or talk to my friends whenever I need them. I must surrender all that in order to fully put my trust, my faith, my life in your hands. Help me each day to surrender, to be fully honest with You knowing you already know everything and that you would stay near. That you would hold my heart, be by my side, and be the voice of truth that I take in each and every moment. Father I desire to follow you and I just ask you to prepare the way, work out all the details, and most importantly, use me to accomplish Your plan.

The verse of the day is at the top of this post, and Father what an amazing piece of Scripture you have before me this night. Father I ask that you enable me to be your servant, to help you accomplish what you have to do on this Earth before your return. I seek to find you in this journey, may everything I do, I turn and see your glory rising up, may you be alive in my everyday moments, and walk beside me in all I do. For Father I know that if I do those things, I will find you. If I ask and then seek, there you will be. That is my prayer tonight Jesus that you would be here. Oh how I love thee!

In your name I pray,

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Day 5- Grace is sufficient

"My grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

As I skimmed the pages of 2 Corinthians, my daily reading that I started, I came across this verse. This verse stands out but not for just any reasons, the reason behind Jesus saying those very words comes after Paul explains that he only desires to boast in the Lord, even though God has given him these visions. I wish I could put into words how vivid the picture I received from Christ was and how He focused on heart, soul, and mind on returning to Romania. If it was just a one time deal I might have brushed over it, and believe me when I first realized what it was I ignored it. But now that things are becoming a bit more clearer, this verse is just one more thing to add to the list of "God's voice" to me. I specifically noticed the verse because it was Jesus talking to Paul, as if He was talking to me. The verse popped out so I decided to go back and read the whole story, which is where I noticed Jesus responding to Paul just after receiving a vision from God.

I can totally relate to Paul at this moment. Paul understands who Jesus is, what He has done, and wants to serve Jesus whole heartedly. But he has had his time in the light, when the visions and revelations were given to him as I received mine, and at this point in Pauls writing, he sits in the darkness as do I. God has given us this beautiful picture of what He has planned for us, and the excitement makes us want to drop everything and go now, but through Paul, I learn the importance of waiting. I learn the growth that takes place as I continually fight Satan on a daily basis, for Paul says, "...there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me" 2 Cor 12:7b. Satan is trying to stop both Paul and I from hearing the voice of God and seeking His direction and guidance. But Paul responds in the same way I pray I do in this time, "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Cor 12:10

I feel so incredible weak. I am trying to spend every possible second I can in God's Word, listening to music, being quiet and really trying to listen to the voice of God. Satan is alive, but my God is so much more powerful that I know I must seek Him even in the most difficult of times, even in the times when I feel deserted and alone, for my God is there and willing to step in and protect me whenever He feels I need it. I rest in knowing that during these struggles, these times of exhaustion, that my God is bigger than this life and that through Him all things are possible.


How much I love you! My life has never been the same since the moment I accepted you as my Savior and I thank you each and every day for the lifechanging role you play in my life. You are everything to me, I depend on you as if you were the ground I walk on. If I fall, I know you will be there to not just catch me, but hold me and console me until I am ready to walk again. I praise you for who you are, for being a God who created the seas and the forests and the sky. For being the God who loves me, even when I screw up. For you forgave me once and for all when you placed your Son Jesus on the cross to take the penalty of my sin that I commit each and every day. My prayer tonight is one of thanksgiving. For not only being the God of creation, but the God of my life, of my heart, and my soul. May your grace continue to be sufficient for I see your power even more as I place the burdens, struggles and questions before you each moment of each day. Father how I long to see You, but until then I am here willing to be used as a disciple to share the Good News you bring to this very dark world.

It is in Your Mighty and Holy name I pray,

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Day 4- Vision and Darkness

Horror and great darkness fell upon him. -Genesis 15:12

Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in "the shadow of His hand" (Isaiah 49:2). The saint's duty is  to be still and listen. There is a "darkness" that comes from too much light- that is the time to listen. When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. -Chambers


I have brought before you this burden on my heart to return to Romania. I know going there just this last year for ten days, coming home and knowing I wasn't done there. I remember feeling as if I had left part of my heart there and one day I was going to get to return, in what capacity, when, that was up to you. But as I look over the last few days, knowing that this has really been on my heart, my specific prayers have been directed towards this, I have seen you making it evidently clear that I am suppose to return, however the question still remains when? Just to kinda lay at the pieces that I have noticed that I might not have noted in previous posts, I want to outline them because it's kinda crazy.

Sunday, Break my plans by This Hope was played at church that was a story about a Christian Romanian song writer who was imprisoned that brought my attention to really returning to Romania to serve for a long period of time.

Sunday afternoon was spent at Coronado where I relished in God's creation, God's awareness, and God's protection over us and how much He truely cares for us. It was all so very new that I wasn't quite sure what to do with it.

Monday, disneyland and babysitting. Here I remember processing the idea of missing friends, and missing the connection with children that I have in the states and the opportunity I'm blessed with to teach the love of Christ to them.

Tuesday, staff meeting where we discussed the Family night that had just taken place that last friday which was all about missions. Prayers were said, without anyone knowing the condition of my heart or the prayer that I had lifted up to God to speak to me regarding this that very morning, that encouraged You to continue to work on the hearts of those You might have called to the missions field, preparing their hearts now for what you have in store for them in the future. Immediately I got goosebumps and I remember saying to myself, God you really did show up today, you spoke so clearly that I don't even know what to say, but I wanted to get down on my knees and sit in that presence.

Wednesday, today was a day of reflection. Time seemed to slow down and few things were accomplished. But as I went through the day I really thought about the importance of things. What do I think is important versus what does God think is important?

Oh Jesus, you know the condition of my heart. The sadness that falls upon me as I think about not being around friends and family for a long period of time. Oh how I love family and friend time, almost as if I feel it needed as much as God time. You and I are working through this and I am so blessed to have you to turn to at this time. Jesus I really do just shake my head sometimes at how blunt you are with us. The song God of this city is playing right now, completely random on my itunes. (If you are reading this and don't know that song go listen, its by Chris Tomlin) You have greater things that you have to accomplish in Romania and the thought of you using my hands and feet scares me. But I have laid my life down to you, completely willing to go wherever you want me, whenever. I truely believe that and as we continue to work through all the details, Father I must wait.

As the quote that was written at the top of this post states, You have given me the vision. I entered that light and saw perfectly clear what you have for me. Now that You have given me that picture, I must sit and rest and know that you are here, and I must fully trust, I must have faith that gives you the opportunity to work. I am sitting in that darkness right now, and I'm not sure what to do. You spoke to me, I am to wait, for if I wait, in your timing this vision will become a reality and I am so excited about that. Father you are an amazing God. I lift my hands up to you with all that I am, sacrificing this life to You and the work that you have to accomplish here on Earth. People may think I am crazy but You say we are to be fools for Christ (1 Cor 4:10). I love you. I am so happy to be a child of God.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Day 3- It is the Lord!

Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!" - John 20:28

How many of us are expecting Jesus Christ to quench our thrist when we should be satisfying Him! We should be pouring out our lives, investing our total beings, not drawing on Him to satisfy us. That means lives of pure uncompromising, and unrestrained devotion to the Lord Jesus, which will be satisfying to Him wherever He may send us. -Chambers


You must be either laughing up in heaven or shaking your head in disappointment. But seriously, I feel like once I made this decision to devote time to prayer, to ask You for direction, and to pour out to You for once, Satan has had his way keeping me super busy at work, long hours, forgetting plans, and pure exhaustion. (sidenote-As I came home from 10 1/2 hours of work today my roommate looked at me and said you look exhausted, I laughed and said yea and I'm going to disneyland tomorrow." I must be insane, but I truely feel as if I'm fighting the devil on this one and I desperately need your help.

Father I want to make note of the prayers this morning around the table as two of the people made reference to the preparation of the heart for missionary work across seas and also praying for those who may have heard the message and desire to serve in this way. Father I felt you as these words were said, goosebumps rose on my arms as I realized they were speaking to you about someone that was sitting at that very table. It was you Father! You were there, you showed up, and you spoke directly to my soul!  If you really are calling me to the missionary field Father I pray you continue to speak to me as you did today.

With the lack of time in prayer and quiet that I am not spending with you, I thank you for not giving up on me. At this point I'm attempting to communicate with you whether I am called to full time missionary work and full time pure service to You and Satan is going to do everything in his power to stop me. You are more powerful, more intelligent, more sensible than the devil himself and I am so thankful to be on your side. At this time Jesus I pray you be by my side. Father may my presence back to you been seen as Jesus for He bore my sins across His body so that I may be counted as a child of God. May that reminder sink into my heart, and from this moment on may I live to satisfy you and not to beg you for water. May I get down on my knees and praise you for saving my soul, replacing the food and water with the Word so that I may be filled spiritual and be able to serve you better. May my devotion to you be so strong that the devil no longer can stand by but be denied entrance into our presence so that we may go and make disciples of all nations, whatever that looks like Father.

Jesus Christ, my saving grace, I lift all this up to you with full trust that you will hear and respond in what is best for the good of all.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Day 2- Light up the sky

If this picture doesn't get your attention then I'm not sure what will. This was taking during my quiet time in Coronado on January 16, 2011.

I spent Sunday afternoon down at Coronado, reflecting on all that was going through my head with thoughts about church that morning and just the overflow of things that have been going through my head through the last few weeks. I was asked the question by a friend that night, "When do you feel God's presence the most?" my answer- at my deepest of lows and highest of highs. 2nd question, "When do you feel God's presence the least?" my answer- when I'm in the middle, when I'm so focused back on myself and my plans that I have lost God. Now you are probably wondering why I just switched the topic about three times just in that last paragraph, but I'm going to do my best to tie it all in now. You see even when we feel we are in that middle place, where we don't feel that presence of God as strong as in our highs and our lows, it doesn't mean He's not there. The little things, like when he lights up the sky at sunset do we see God's masterpiece.

A song was sent to me by a friend by The Afters, titled Light up the Sky. As I think about that song, the picture above and the idea of the presence of God when you feel like you are in the middle, I realize if we aren't careful, and we are in that middle ground, we will miss the little things. You see God does big things and little things. Normally its the big things we notice, when God gives us the perfect job, a husband to love and care for, a precious baby. We also notice Him when we are struggling, asking questions of desperation, pleading with God, and ultimately finding peace in His plan. However, we sometimes miss the little things, like the sun rising each day to give us light, setting to bring light to the other side of the world as well as to bring us a beautiful sky ;), birds in the sky, a penny on the ground. Many, including myself, may see that penny and walk right past it thinking that's not going to buy me anything...

But God has a plan for that penny; that penny along with just a few more will put dinner on the ground for a homeless man and his family, buy a shirt or new(twice used) pair of shoes for someone in another country, or even will be offered to God as someone's greatest offering that God will multiple and be used to feed the five thousand. You see you never know what God is going to do with the smallest of things in our lives. We tend to focus so much on the big things we sometimes forget the importance of the little ones. As God lights up the sky, my desire is to seek Him through the little things.


Thank you for the precious gift of your Son Jesus Christ. Thank you for sending Him to this earth, to live in a human body, suffer and die for the sins that I have committed. I find hope in knowing that through Jesus and the shedding of His blood that I will one day find you in heaven, to get to sit on your lap and hear all about your beautiful creation. Until then Father I give you my life, to use me to complete your plans here on Earth. Such freedom comes in knowing that tomorrow I may be walking down a completely different path than the one I think is ahead tonight. Once again Father I bring before you the burden on my heart of returning to Romania. I desire your will and to follow in obedience the plans you have for my life. As I lift this prayer up to you, I just ask that you would hear me. That you would show me somehow that I am suppose to follow through and find contacts or to remain still and seek more and more of your presence.

And Father I cannot go further without stopping and thanking you for the gift of fellowship. You have blessed me with a wonderful community of friends that are centered around You. As they begin to take the next step in their lives of marriage and children, Father I just lift that burden up to you. Whatever you have for my life, may I be patient and trust that you are in complete control. Thank you for this day, thank you for this night, and may you supplement my rest with an extra bit of energy to accomplish all you have for us tomorrow. May you continue to be the light of my life, my best friend and my everything.

It's in your name that I lift these prayers up to You,

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Day 1- Break my Plans

Break my plans by This Hope
"Then he gave it all to Jesus as he began to pray, Break my Plans, shape my heart, take my will to where you are, move my mind through your Word, till all that I am, lives to love you Lord."

"I know I'm called to suffer and to take up my cross but sometimes I grow so fearful when I count the cost, still my heart wants to follow and walk in your ways, to be counted with the faithful, Lord guide me today."

"Break my plans, shape my heart, take my will to where you are. Move my mind through your Word, til all that I am, lives to love you Lord."

Dear Heavenly Father,

As I begin this blog today it only makes since to begin with the lyrics written above. As this song was sung by This Hope this morning at church, I became overwhelmed with the calling you have laid upon my heart to return to Romania. This song, Break my Plans was written by Nicolae Modoveanu while he was in prison in Romania for writting and singing Christian songs. As I heard the song this morning, not only was I moved that part of my heart was being shared to the Shadow Mountain Community, but the words to the song hit home. I have been so focused on my plans lately that You have been put aside. I have struggled to do it myself and realize over and over that I cannot. Father this is my prayer, for you to break my plans of  getting a preschool teaching job, being comfortable with my things and waiting for you to bring me a husband.

Through prayer today at Coronado, you revealed to me that you may have different plans than what I always dream for. As I begin this writing, I dedicate this next week of prayer to hearing your plan for my life. I must ask the tough questions... Do you want me to return to Romania? If so, when? This year, next year? This writing is to share this experience with others Father that they may see You alive and at work in the lives of those who will fully put their faith and trust in You. You are my best friend, my help in time of need. As I lay this heavy burden at the foot of the cross, I pray for your guidance, your unfailing love, and endless presence.

I pray all these things in your precious name,
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