If I let these dreams die, if I lay down all my wounded pride, if I let these dreams die, will I find, letting go, that's me, come alive. So empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you. Empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you. With you. Cause my mind is like a building burning down, I need your grace to keep, to keep me from the ground. My heart is just a prisoner of war, slaved to what he wants, for what I'm fighting for. -Tenth Avenue North
As I saw the missionaries file into service tonight, I thought to myself, could I really do it? God are you sure this is what you called me for? You know this past week I have not questioned the idea of going. I was a little sad over missing family and friends and the comforts of home, but I wasn't scared about going... until tonight. And I'm still not scared, but I guess since I said I was going to give it 7 nights of prayer and see where I am, it's kinda this weird feeling. For the past seven nights, I have come to write feeling as if going to Romania this fall was exactly what God wants. I'm not sure if the reality of it has sunk in, the idea that in the next few days I'm going to have to say publically to my boss, and pastor, and family and friends that this is where my heart is. To become a part time missionary, to be gone as long as God calls me to be gone. To buy a one way ticket and not know exactly when I'm coming home. That's crazy!
I'm crazy! I'm a fool for Christ and I'm not going to doubt that if He has called me to the missionary field I am to go. But I just gotta put on the record that God has a lot of details to work out! I'm a big picture kinda person and I count that as a blessing, leaving the little details to God to handle. You know the timing, the finances to go and come back, the patience, the blessings, all in His hands. So I guess where I leave myself know is to continue to pray and I will continue to journal my thoughts on here so that I have a continued record of this process. But my priority will not switch a bit. One thing I haven't heard is no. God has seem to make every situation, conversation, and action I take remind me somehow of my desire to become a missionary. So now I take the leap of faith and work on my application. Over the next few days I will be putting together I'll the details I need to on paper to explain God's "plan" for me to return. I must tell me boss, and I also must collect a letter of rec from my Pastor. Those two things can't be hard right??? God never said things would be easy, He just promised to be with me and I'm going to hold Him at his word.
Dear Jesus,
I come before you in awe of who you are! The God who cares about the poor, widowed, and children. I live to serve children, wherever you send me. As I lifted my hands in praise to you tonight, my eyes and heart looked to you for guidance. I was open, I am open, for all that you have for me. Once again here I am, use me for your purposes whatever that may look like. It is such an honor to get to serve you each and every day and I pray that you continue to find ways to use my gifting that you have given me to bring glory back to You. Father may you just work out all the small details, let the conversations be smooth and may you speak through them.
In the craziness of what tomorrow could be, I just pray your hand be on every single move I make. May my actions and words be pleasing to you. May your will take precidence in my life so that I am one with You. May you work through me tomorrow to accomplish good for your Kingdom. May people be shown your light, my children come to know you, and may they see that you have given us the Word to guide our lives in every direction. For we come to you empty handed and you fill us up so we are overflowing. No where else can we go to receive the abundance of love and strength than to your presence. Oh how I love you.
In your name I pray,
Amen
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