extremely overwhelmed.

It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. -1 Peter 3:17

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as thought something strange were happening to you. -1 Peter 4:12

So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. -1 Peter 4:19

Why the overwhelming feeling?  Why the physical weight on my chest because of a to-do list?  Why do things seem so impossible?  Why the anxiety and fear?  Answer= lack of trust. 

As the to-do list grew longer and longer and the time frame to accomplish it seem shorter and shorter, I finally came to my breaking point. Tuesday afternoon, getting into my car to leave work, my heart began to pulse at a speed I couldn't control, sweat rolled down my face and my body froze. I could not control anything. My breathing became heavy and the tears began to flow. Not just tears, but full-fledged uncontrollable crying. Moments passed by as fear physically overtook my body. I was having an anxiety attack.

My thoughts just moments before were filled with the to-do's. Homework for an online class ending October 29th, homework for a seminary class ending Oct 22nd, presentations that need to be prepared before November 2nd, and the process of purging and moving that must happen before Oct 31st...or before. It seemed impossible, and it still seems overwhelming, but by God's grace and trust in Him, it will all get done. 

As my body shook from the crying, I began to pray, Please Jesus, help me, help me. I can't do this alone. I don't have to do it alone, you are here, please help me. *deep breath* Please Jesus... My body began to calm, tears continued to fall down my face and I closed my eyes. As best I could, I pictured Jesus, crying out to His Father to take this cup, but not my will but yours be done. The garden became my car and with my eyes closes I silently prayed that very prayer, not my will but yours be done, over and over.

The tasks are my own, but God has a plan for these next few weeks that are so precise I can't even fathom all the good that will happen. In those moments of panic, my trust was in myself, the burden was my own. But His words says to commit myself to my faithful Creator and then continue to do good. (1 Peter 4:19) All the things on the list are good things, that have purpose, and therefore with my trust in my faithful Creator, I can accomplish anything He asks of me. Even as I write this out, the weight is feeling less heavy. For days "spiritual cowardice had wormed its way into my soul as my eyes had become obsessedly focused on my circumstances and I had lost my interior vision of God as my soul's strength." (Gary Thomas, The Glorious Pursuit, Chapter on Fortitude, p. 156) 

A couple days ago, the feeling was still very real and poignant, I opened up His word and said a simple prayer asking that He speak to me. I love how God's word has that power and He most certainly answered. I chose Romans, and found chapter 9 titled, "God's sovereign choice". God's sovereignty, good topic, and found verse 16: It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. Tonight, I thank God for His mercy that He continued to love me despite my hard heart and independent attitude. I turned back and He was right there, waiting, with open arms to receive me. Such joy flows within knowing I not only serve a Holy God, but that Holy God loves me and knows me as if I was His only child. 

The to-do list hasn't exactly got smaller, even though I have made quite a bit of progress. Pieces are coming together and I see how it just might be possible for everything to get done. Wednesday, I took a sanity day from everything and spent it conquering all of my online homework. Friday afternoon, I finished my seminary class homework for the week and purged a lot of clothes. Today, with the blessed help of one of my best friends, my current living shelter was de-cluttered, organized, and got its first preparations for my leaving. I have absolutely loved the downsizing, putting certain things away knowing it probably won't be touched until 2014. I am very encouraged, with my faithful Creator's help and mercy, that everything will get accomplished, in His timing, with His strength, and my obedience.