heart reflection Part 2

Here is the first heart reflection post.

Missions update:
*Training at SIM was a huge success. God prepared me with so much knowledge and encouragement to walk through this support raising time as well as transitioning to the field and working through the culture shock that is bound to happen.

*I have pledged 10% of my monthly support and my one-time needs are coming in.

*I have a couple presentations set up for the New Year where I am so I excited to share my heart and passion about this journey.

*January 7th I begin my final course at the seminary I will take before leaving, Inductive Study… I’m really looking forward to it.

*Inside, I am a complete mess!

Reflection
And this is my(Paul’s) prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of inside, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ-to the glory and praise of God. –Philippians 1:9-11

The last time I reflected, there was just over 300 days until my faith departure date. As I sit down to write this reflection, there is just over 200 days. How fast time flies! In the last 100 days, my last Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day have passed that I will celebrate here in the states for awhile. That’s a lot of holidays to process! In between all the celebrations, there have been many more constant realizations of “lasts”.

There have been moments of time where I think moving to Kenya and teaching is not that drastic of a change. Other days, especially after reading books about reality there, it hits me that I will not be as comfortable as I may think. When I say 18 months, in my head, that doesn’t seem like a lot. But every once in awhile it hits me just how long a year and half really is. After Christmas Eve and Christmas day, I had one of those painful reminders, “I’m really going to miss these people!”

Not only am I trying to work through the emotions of lasts, of wanting the most out of each time spent with people, I am also working through trusting God with the finances to get there. Just like the realities coming to life above, this trust is the same. There are times when I can say without a doubt, “I fully trust Jesus to provide the people and finances to make this happen” no emotion at all. And there are other times when people feel the need to add up the total cost and say “wow, that’s a lot of money!” My bible study yesterday morning reminded me that when God asks us to join Him in something, it is God-sized, boy does that feel true!

I have also been wrestling with God in prayer over where I may be teaching when I get there. There are days when I just want to say, “God, don’t tell me, surprise me, just get me there and then tell me.” And then there are other days when I’m begging Him to tell me each and every detail. Lately, I’ve succumb to allowing Him to lead me step my step, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have moments when I want to know more! My friend sent me a song, it’s amazing and has been my prayer for the last few days, here’s the link to the YouTube video. Help me Find it by Sidewalk Prophets

Help me Find it Lyrics

I don’t know where to go from here, it all used to seem so clear, I’m finding I can’t do this on my own. I don’t know where to go from here, as long as I know you are near, I’m done fighting, I’m finally letting go.

I will trust in you, you’ve never failed before. I will trust in you. 

If there’s a road I should walk, help me find it. If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment.

Whatever your will, whatever your will, can you help me find it, can you help me find it?

I’m giving you fear and you give me faith, I’m giving you doubt you give me grace. For every step I’ve never been alone. Even when it hurts you’ll have your way, even in the valley I will say, “with every breath you’ve never let me go."

I lift my empty hands, come fill me up again. Have your way my king, I give my life to you. I lift my eyes again, was blind but now I see, cause you are all I need.

I appreciate your prayers as I continue to journey through this move. It’s without a doubt God’s plan, and I’m (most days) completely willing to go. I’m excited to go, for the change, for the adventure, for the newness, for the moments when I will know without a doubt this is what He has created me to do. But I also know that as the days continue to slip away, I may struggle, I may fail, I may cry, I may want to change my mind, I may want to say no, but that is my human flesh. The Spirit within me is breaking me each day, He is growing me, refining me, strengthening me, so that together we can accomplish great things to His glory.

I’m definitely getting restless to go. I’m not fully ready, God is in the process of building up an amazing support team willing to journey with me. I’m sure these next 200 days will be full of moments where I can do nothing else but surrender to and praise Jesus for what He is doing. As I sit in the quiet, feeling His presence, the stress, overwhelming feelings, the to-do list fade, and I am reminded of Paul’s prayer, that my love for God may abound as I grow in my knowledge of Him as I experience Him daily, and through that I will be able to discern exactly where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do, every day, every moment, until the day of Christ.