the dreaded calendar

Missionaries. The dictionary defines the word missionary as "a person sent by a church into an area to carry on evangelism or other activities, as educational or hospital work." But there is really so much more to it. Yes the person is being sent, therefore there must be people who are sending them. And if there are people sending them, they most likely have relationships with this person or persons. And if there is relationships, then there is probably a level of sadness as the person leaves. And that doesn't even take into consideration all the person being sent is trying to process. 

So what exactly does it feel like? In so many ways I feel like my life is ending in just a few weeks. I know it sounds morbid, but it really is reality. I'm preparing to leaving everything, everything is coming to an end, and there seems to be no way to control my emotions.

And therefore the one thing that I am clinging to and yet fighting like no other is the dreaded calendar. At the beginning of May I printed out a month view of May, June and July. Beings that two weddings, work, a few fun trips, random babysitting, time with family and friends, and two week-long intense work events are going to take place between now and the end of July, I had to put it on paper to get it out of my head. But the reality is, there is only 3 pages left! And half of one is almost over! 

So how do I deal with it? Oh yes, Jesus. I was reading my Bible the other day and as I was reading, this thought occurred to me. (like one of those, I never thought about it like that moments and it actually makes since) God never changes. (I know I can be a little slow sometimes) My world is getting ready to go full-speed and then turn upside down, (think worse roller coaster ever and then times it by 10) and ad-mist all that going on, there is this (slow down speech...) calm, easy-going, Spirit with me always, steady and unchanging. He is my Rock to stand on when everything around me at times feels like it's crashing down. (Can you picture it??) There's this safe place I can go, hide away from the craziness, and breath, deep breaths, and remember that...(insert Truth) this is not about me.

As I sat down to write this post I felt the overwhelmingness, the weight heavy on my shoulders, the desire to just break down and cry. But as I write out all of this, I'm recalling versus in my head, and I can tell I'm calming. So many of the fears and worries have left. His Truth has set me free. That's the power of the Holy Spirit.

So what now? Yes it's still going to be hard at times, but I must be intentional about taking the time to refocus when my thoughts and emotions begin to take-over. No matter where I am I need to just stop, pray, and remember, He is with me, He is going through this with me, He doesn't change, He understands, and He will be there when everything else I know is not around. The calendar is still there, the emotions will still try to overtake me, the day will still come when I get to board a plane, but the mission is so much bigger than what I can see. The purpose is more than I will ever understand here on Earth and my God loves me and has a plan for me; one that only He knows.