Silence

Being completely honest, I feel as if I'm in the middle of leaning toward completely struggling and understanding the waiting period to be a blessing. At any moment I could sway to the left or right and fall into whatever state of being has a stronger pull. I since growth, I tell God this. Obviously, He's not quite done. And in conversations, this feeling of frustration must surface because I get recommendations such as this: a song called "Silence" by Joy Williams. I pulled out a couple versus that really hit me.

You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet... I feel like I should "tattoo" this on the back of my hand. I don't like tests. Never had. Never will. But what I do know is that I serve a God who truly loves me. He would never test me further than I can handle. He loves me just as I am, but is in the business of changing people to be more like Him. This process, is stretching. My trust in unwavering. The quiet is hard, but God is faithful.

Why do I question your intentions for me... I ask God the why question all the time. Why do I feel like this? Why are you calling me to missions? Why do certain things frustrate me so much when they seem so unimportant? Why am I in the situation I am right now? Why do my feelings get hurt? Why can't I fly? :) Why, why why?? I believe the answer to all those questions is, "Because I love you". Yea it doesn't fit perfectly to every question, but it really does boil down to it. You fill that way because that's how I made you because I love you. You serve Me because I love you. I love you in order to help you through the hard times. I am stretching and growing you to be more like me, because I love you. 

I know You want what's best for me... This is true. I do know that He wants the best for me, in the middle of the testing, it can be really hard to see. In a lot of ways I find myself in the middle of the ocean. At times I feel like I'm drowning, other times I know I'm clinging to the lifesaver. I know that making it to the a shore is going to take some strength on my part, but in a lot of ways, I'm having a really hard time deciding which way to start swimming. But that isn't really the problem. The problem is, I need to stop and realize that my life is not in my control. I must realize that I'm not drowning and I'm not clinging to a lifesaver, but instead I'm aboard a boat. And that boat is not steered by me. It's guided by Jesus. I'm not stuck, it's not that I can't make up my mind which way to go, it's that I can't realize that I don't have any control. 

Silence. "Give up control." Silence. I fight to stay afloat. Silence. I pray. Silence. "Stop fighting me." Silence. I'm tired. Silence. Silence.  

 Lyrics.

Are you listening
To anything that I say
'Cause I been praying
How many prayers can I pray
I'm still waiting
Maybe You'll show up today

I know You're here, but I can't feel You
And if You're speaking, I can't hear You
How much londer will this last

Chorus:

So okay Answer me with silence
It's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence

Why do I question
Your intentions for me
When Your affection
Is a proven legacy

Oh Father, Father
Turn my fears into peace
I know Your love will never leave
I know You want what's best for me

You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet

Oh, it's okay
If You answer me with silence
And it's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence