I have to say, the answer to these questions is so deeply rooted, I don’t even know how to answer them. I’m sorry to those who have asked because I probably haven’t answered them how you would have liked. But I do have some answers and I’m going to write them out more for myself as a reflection but hopefully those interested will begin to understand more of what I’m attempting to process.
“Are you glad to be home?”
Yes and no. Yes I’m glad because now I really can begin to connect with people, I can share about this amazing adventure Jesus is taking me on, and I feel like I have the appropriate answers for the random questions to be asked. Yes I’m glad to be home to spend quality time with people I love and get the opportunity to walk with them through these next few months which I know will be faith growing and stretching.
No, I’m sad to be home because I really miss the people I connected with. From the SIM staff to the SIMGo participants, I can’t imagine a better group of people to begin this journey with. I miss the quality time we got to spend together, the fun adventures we went on, the laughter that hurt our stomachs, to the tears we shed together. I also miss the constant focus on Jesus and prayer. When I would share anything, the person on the other end would pray, always. A class never started, a meeting never began without a word of prayer. Most conversations ended with prayer. I also miss the focus on cross cultural work. Coming home, everyone else has a different focus on life. When I was at SIM, everyone’s focus was cross cultural ministry. At home, I have no one to relate to about the different things I experienced, am experiencing and will experience in the future.
“Have you adjusted?”
To the time difference, yes. To everything else, no. My focus, my heart, my every thought is on moving to Kenya. As I was getting ready to board the plane in Charlotte, it hit me, I was now an equipped cross cultural worker. At home, I would be classified as a missionary. My day to day life is no longer just about spending time with people I love and serving Jesus at work. My day to day life is filled with finding time for the to-do’s as I prepare to leave in less than 8 months. As I stepped off the plane in San Diego, I was a completely different person than when I left two weeks before. I haven’t adjusted, and I won’t be adjusting back to the person I was. That’s hard to put into words. I feel like I no longer fit in. The emotions, feelings, and desires are so different than if I was to continue a life at home. My faith will be stretched in ways I cannot even begin to imagine, I will depend on God in ways I will have never thought possible, and I will continue to be molded by God as He makes me more like Him.
“How are you feeling about everything?”
Scared and Excited. God stretched me so much while I was in Charlotte for 2 weeks that I fear how much more stretching needs to be done even before I board a plane to Kenya. There’s a lot of pride that must be stripped away and desires that must be destroyed. I’m scared because I know the support raising process is completely dependent on God and not me. I’m also scared that it might not happen. I would be lying if I said I’m completely confident I’m going to Kenya next July. The human side of me says it’s not possible, why would God want to use me, how in the world is He going to come up with all the resources. But that is a lie from Satan. It is totally possible, it’s Him equipping me with gifts and talents to serve His people, and these resources are His anyway. I am constantly reminding myself that people are not giving to me and my ministry. Financial supporters give their resources to God’s ministry in Kenya. I get to be apart by being sent.
And with that, I’m super excited to see God provide in this amazing way. I’m super excited that He has chosen me to go, to get to experience life in another culture, and to give my life fully to Him in this way. I’m excited to move my life to another part of the world for an extended period of time. I’m excited for the relationships I will make, the lessons that I will teach, and the hearts that will be changed while I am there. I’m excited to share this journey with anyone willing to come alongside and see God work.
I know this is really only the beginning. What lies ahead are hours of communicating with potential partners in ministry and building a support team, more hours on my knees in prayer, and even more hours focusing more on God than on this ministry. I also know that the person I am right now will not be the same person who boards a plane in 8 months to Kenya. Such a great feeling knowing this is completely in my God’s hands and the Holy Spirit is willing to show His power in my life.
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